Keep Holding On.

It's been a while since I've been able to update (not that anyone reads this anyways) but I feel as though recently my life as taken a turn for the better. At the end of June I felt as though my life was over & almost considered taking it; my boyfried of 10 months left me without warning, I didn't get in to college & I aged out of cadets. I felt as though there was nothing left to live for. I decided to stay home from Blackdown because after loosing all that it was a bad idea to just & leave the few things I did have.

I stayed home & spent the summer with my friends and family. This was the first summer I was able to do whatever I felt like. I finally got to be a normal teenager, go to parties, get wasted, chill with friends & sleep till 2. I know that to you this is just the average teenage experience but as a cadet I spent my summers up by 5 am and working all day, this summer was liberating for me. My teen years were spent with me trying to be perfect. I needed the perfect boyfriend, the perfect friends, the perfect schedule... this summer I just had random experiences & it was the best of my life.

After James left I was a wreck for weeks. I cried daily & all I did was think about him. This summer made me realise something I wish I had realised 4 years ago... I don't need him or any other man to be happy. I thought I needed a man to be happy & feel beautiful, I needed to constant reassurance of someone else. Today I woke up & for the first time in my life, I looked in a mirror & felt beautiful. I didn't need James or anyone else to say it. It was amazing.

I have been friends with Alanna now for 7 years & ever since we became friends I always felt like the 'ugly' friend. When she & I go out she gets all of the male attention. This feeling worsened this summer after she startng dating a man I hated. I thought I was going to lose her & she is the best friend I have had or will ever have. This is the first time she's had a boyfriend & I haven't. She is beautiful & a great person, I am not sure why but I feel so inferior compared to her. I'm working on it, I am even nice to her boyfriend. She has done everything for me, I am even living with her right now, I owe her this much.

Over all I have learned some life lessons. I don't need a man, I'll always have my amazing friends and things always get better.

Teenagers - The Flaws of My Kind

Though it's odd; I live in a world like every other typical teenager. Teenagers are all the same, we can argue non-conformity as much as we want, we're all the same people. Gossip is every teen's #1 concern; as if we all care who is fucking each other. We all want the next juicy gossip, many of my friends are prime example of this, I always wonder which of my friends will date the other tomorrow. Gossip starts to fit slowly into the harsh reality that ALL teens talk shit about each other, no living human being can say that they have never said anything negative about someone without their knowledge; we love to do it until it happens to us. I will be 1st to say that I am a guilty party, I often gossip and talk a lot of shit, but I don't sit around and act like I don't. Teens will never admit our own hypocrisy; we all judge each other for things we've either done or thought of doing. Every day my friend tell me not to talk shit about people but that friend talks shit more that ANYONE.
Subtlety is in short supply with teens and we sometimes couldn't care less; I know about 50 people that will openly discuss their sex life as if it has no effect on them. Sex is no longer a sensitive subject in modern life, it is a ploy in a teen's game to get to the top of the 'food chain', it works every time. The higher your 'nookie number' the better you are supposed to be. My number is 4 and nowadays I'm considered freaking Mother Teresa compared to the average modern teenager (According to MSNBC, the US average is 10.3 people) . We're not afraid anymore, with the availability of contraceptives and abortion, teens have become fully desensitised to sex and it's a disgusting thing. Again, I am a guilty party, I joke about sex ALL THE TIME and disrespect it's meaning of love and affection.
Love (HA!), we have taken the true meaning of that word and flushed it down the (metaphorical) toilet. Love used to be a true word and now it's used as a mating call for the teenage male to the teenage female. I have used i but I still use it for it's true meaning; I want it to tell someone that they mean alot to me and I want to be with them forever.

--------Erin Foote-----------