Keep Holding On.

It's been a while since I've been able to update (not that anyone reads this anyways) but I feel as though recently my life as taken a turn for the better. At the end of June I felt as though my life was over & almost considered taking it; my boyfried of 10 months left me without warning, I didn't get in to college & I aged out of cadets. I felt as though there was nothing left to live for. I decided to stay home from Blackdown because after loosing all that it was a bad idea to just & leave the few things I did have.

I stayed home & spent the summer with my friends and family. This was the first summer I was able to do whatever I felt like. I finally got to be a normal teenager, go to parties, get wasted, chill with friends & sleep till 2. I know that to you this is just the average teenage experience but as a cadet I spent my summers up by 5 am and working all day, this summer was liberating for me. My teen years were spent with me trying to be perfect. I needed the perfect boyfriend, the perfect friends, the perfect schedule... this summer I just had random experiences & it was the best of my life.

After James left I was a wreck for weeks. I cried daily & all I did was think about him. This summer made me realise something I wish I had realised 4 years ago... I don't need him or any other man to be happy. I thought I needed a man to be happy & feel beautiful, I needed to constant reassurance of someone else. Today I woke up & for the first time in my life, I looked in a mirror & felt beautiful. I didn't need James or anyone else to say it. It was amazing.

I have been friends with Alanna now for 7 years & ever since we became friends I always felt like the 'ugly' friend. When she & I go out she gets all of the male attention. This feeling worsened this summer after she startng dating a man I hated. I thought I was going to lose her & she is the best friend I have had or will ever have. This is the first time she's had a boyfriend & I haven't. She is beautiful & a great person, I am not sure why but I feel so inferior compared to her. I'm working on it, I am even nice to her boyfriend. She has done everything for me, I am even living with her right now, I owe her this much.

Over all I have learned some life lessons. I don't need a man, I'll always have my amazing friends and things always get better.